How Many Times...?

Tears were already streaing down my face from his cyber yelling. I hadn't meant to say it, I just had. It wasn't meant to hurt her feelings, not even close. Why was he mad anyway? I had been defending HIM! He was only mad because he was still in love with her and she was crying. He was only screaming because he saw that she was most important. Always her. Did I even exist anymore?
Would her life be better off without me? Would yours? I typed to him bitterly, trying to hold back the warm, salty tears. My teeth were clenched together so tightly I could feel, almost hear, them grinding against each other. Why did I let them do this to me each time?
Possibly Kayla. Possibly, came the reply. My chest tightened and I knew I was having a panic attack. My breathing became troubled and more tears flowed from my eyes. The panic attack made my vision swirl and I couldn't see the keyboard in front of me. I couldn't read the screen, but I knew it was there. Those words that were currently cutting away at the cords to my heart, I could practically feel it shaking in my chest. I knew my whole body was shaking violently. I knew what my reply would be, I could see the words in my mind as I placed my hands on the home row keys and began slowly typing my response.

And then once again, I woke up in tears. How many times a month am I going to wake up crying, my eyes burning, my cheeks damp? According to Dakota, it's not a nightmare if you dream about a real life nightmare, but I still want to know why this is happening to me. Is this a sign that I'm going to lose them? I always do, don't I?