Lauren called me last night.
I almost didn't answer the phone because I didn't know who it was.
But I'm glad I did.
It proved that I don't have to be on the phone with Khania or my mother to hold conversation.
Then again, after a while, conversation died off.
Mainly because there were like five other people on the phone too and I couldn't really get a word in.
After a while, Mother began yelling.
I simply hung up.
They didn't need to hear it...
Dad's going to a UFC fight.
Mom's working late.
Amanda's not even home.
And black boys are supposed to be coming for me.
I'm slightly afraid.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT YOU?!
Yes, you, who's supposed to hate me.
You, who feels the need to
You, who controls me.
You, who makes me cry more than of them ever did.
You, who should just leave me alone...
But I don't mean that, do I?
Secretly, I like the harassment.
I like the way you can't leave me alone.
It has to mean something.
Something I haven't figured out yet.
To be totally honest, I never realized how much I actually missed you until now.
It's days like this when you distract me from everything that hurts, everything I don't want to deal with, that I realize I need you more than you think.
I'm supposed to be running right now.
A mile and a half, I supposed to run.
To be honest, I could lay down and die at this moment.
Serious as a heart attack-
Why am I addicted to this song, when it reminds me of everything I despise?
I've taken to writing beautiful things for Ashley.
Frankly, I think they're shit.
But she likes them.
So I write them.
She keeps them.
Sooner or later, they'll comprise one massive book.
I'm glad she keeps them.
Actually, she could throw them away, and I'd still be happy.
She took them.
She read them.
I'll never have to see them again...
I'm having more dreams.
More frequently.
I'll have to write them up.
Perhaps she'll tell me what they mean....
I must go now.
And attempt this mile and a half.
Goodbye.
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