I Missed You Today

Without you, the world seems bland and colorless, even on beautiful days like today. Vibrant blues, rich greens, soft yellows, and pristine whites are boring, flat, compared to the sunshine your face used to bring. Loneliness fills the air, creeping into the smallest places, pushing out every bit of happiness on days like today when I find myself missing you the most. Darkness washes out the light of high noon and I sit bathed in the heat that doesn't touch my heart.

I ponder what life is like for you, though I know deep inside you're happy, a guilty part of me wishes you would wonder the same of me. Small joys don't excite me as they once used to on days like today. I know that it won't always be like this, that tomorrow will be a better day and this one won't matter, not even to me. I may not even remember what it was like until the next time, but for now, I know the feeling of helplessness and sadness.

Day dreams send you to my doorstep, smiling, arms open for a hug, but I know they are only that- dreams. Visions dance behind my eyeballs, pictures of you laughing over something I'd said, blushing over a compliment I'd given.

How I'd take it all back if I could, though maybe I wouldn't. Days such as today put me in a state of wonder as well. I wonder if I would take a second of our joy back. If I would erase everything I'd ever said to you, done to you. Frequently, I arrive at different answers, but I know in my heart they don't matter because no matter what, I can't change what is, nor honestly, on a good day, do I want to.

Though I know grudges are wrong, I'm very unwilling to fully let go of the one I'm holding on the very tips of my fingers. Thoughts of why you'd done this to me still flit through my brain, checking in at the imaginary hotel desk, only to check back out a few short moments later. I know that it is my own fault still, and I've accepted it.

Alas, tomorrow will come and my world will be technicolor again. Smiles with grace my face and my parents won't ask if I'm okay when tomorrow comes. I won't think of you, not even in passing. I'll go back to missing only one person, and it won't be you. Everything will be peachy and I'll be safe in my own mind again. Maybe I'll swim in the pool that was placid today. It'll be full of life just as I will be. This momento will only be a small reminder in the story of my life, and soon, these days won't come. I plan on that.