Three Times.

I've heard Candle 3 times today.
Twice this morning and then again just now.
And I'm nearly crying.
As if I weren't going to already.

Did you know it hurts?
Seeing someone you want so desperately to talk to hug your "sister"?
My heart almost shrank to the size of a pea.
I couldn't breathe.
I walked away as fast as I could.

Please...
No.
Not this song.
Anything but this...
"Thinking of a way to say I'm sorry for something I'm not sure I do..."
Please not this.
Not now.
"Something must have made you so mad. What can I do, to make you say, come back to me?"
Dammit.
And the tears fall faster, the bite marks get deeper, and the heart beats softer, almost to a whisper.
I can't breathe.

I've been trying to ask God what I'm supposed to learn from this.
I don't really know how my answer will come, but I'm confident that it will.
Maybe I'm supposed to learn to treat you better.
Am I supposed to learn that I'm not meant to be friends with you ever again?
What am I missing?
What can't I see?
Someone please show me the path I'm supposed to walk down.
Please tell me...

My tea made me feel sick today.
Or maybe that's because my tears keep falling into my cup.
Then again, maybe it's not the tea at all.
Either way I'm sick to my stomach.
I need to vomit.
I want to, I think.
Spit my heart out and leave it convulsing in a pile of acid.
Maybe I'll be a little okay if that happens.

Did you know I've lost track of how many times I've said, "I'm okay." or "I'm fine."?
Yeah, the lie is so easy I'm not even keeping track.
Truth?
If someone asks the wrong question, I'll totally lose it.
I'll either burst into tears.
Or I'll go all ape shit.
I think I'd rather cry.
I wouldn't have to apologize later.

Kaufman was on the bus today.
He definitely tried to make me smile, because well, I was insanely sad.
But let's not discuss that.
I love looking into his eyes.
They're so beautiful.
Green, but a honey color around the edges or his irises.
Sparkling with life.
I wish I had that...

Serena and Chris are coming out tonight I think.
To swim.
The water's nearly 80.
I want to get in so bad.
I need to forget everything, even if for only a moment.
The pool will be my drug.
My rehab?
If this ever ends, it'll be you.
I don't really expect this to end anytime soon.
Though I so desperately wish it would.
Maybe sometime I'll turn to real drugs.
That'll be an adventure.

Connor totally told me something yesterday.
And I faked a smile and looked like it meant a lot to me.
I wanted to ask ton of questions, but I knew I wouldn't get answers.
For all I know, Connor was lying, trying to make me feel better.
So I faked my happiness.

There was an ambulance at school today.
A stretcher in the office.
A girl I couldn't identify was crying.
I asked Gabby.
She was moving quickly though.
All I got was "Victoria" and I'm not even sure that's what she said.
I'll find out eventually.

"I think that possibly maybe I've fallen for you."
I love Landon Pigg. (:
Falling in Love in a Coffee Shop.
This song is so cute.

Whoa.
What's this pang in my heart?
This is unusual.

Megan asked me a question today.
And was surprised by the answer.
HA!
Not as predictable as she thought I was.
Loser.

Um.
I think I'm done for today.
Possibly.
Maybe I'll say more later.
Goodbye.