Breathing.

It gets harder, but we learn right?
We learn to breathe in slow, control our heart rate, and smile.
Isn't that what my mother always tried to teach me?
Well, why haven't I learned it yet?

I thought about my metaphorical walls today.
You know, the ones we build in our minds?
I really thought about mine today.
The walls were high.
They'd been building slowly every time I'd been hurt since Kindergarten when I first started losing Samantha to Heather.
Then when Erin died.
Uncle King died.
Sam moved away and came back.
Tornado hit.
Ashley moved away the next day.
Granddaddy died.
Kathy moved away...
Every day, another brick, more mortar.
A new year, many new layers.
The walls came slowly, paced, easy, painless.
I barely noticed I had them.
Then you came along.
After all my hard work, my walls came crashing down.
Piles of dust and shards of stone lay in their place.
All in the space of a month after first talking to you.
The minute you stopped talking to me?
Those walls went right back up.
Fresh stone.
Fresh cement.
Not painless this time.
Not slow or paced or easy.
This time it was fast and breath taking.
Heart wrenching, crushing.
The walls are too close to my heart and I can't feel it beat.
So my walls are back but I'm still so unguarded.
It feels so wrong.
I can't do this.

Okay.
So you're definitely not sitting with us anymore.
I'm fixing this problem.
I won't feel bad either.
You went off and told Tayler what I said.
Fuck you bitch.
Have fun sitting with the whale.

Caps game tomorrow.
Could be their last.
Even if that's a bad thought, I think it will be.
Doesn't matter if it's a home game anymore.
They lost the last home game didn't they?
Yep.

I think I'm tired now.
I took a pill.
Maybe I'll be dreamless tonight.
I doubt it.
I keep thinking of last night's.
"And if I never wake up from this nightmare," I paused and looked into your eyes, "just know that I loved you."

Goodnight now.