ugh.

It's been a hectic day.
Bear with me as I address EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT running through my mind.
I'm not sure where to begin so let's start with you.

You really miss me?
That bad?
I don't know why.
I really wasn't that great to you.
Think back to our friendship and analyze it.
Think about everything I expected of you when I shouldn't have expected anything at all.
Forget the inside jokes.
Forget the anti-smoking song and calling each other Sexay and Hotness.
Forget it all and realize how horrible I was to you.
Watch me with the friends I have now.
We were that way.
We smiled and laughed and joked.
But underneath that, what did we really have?
Two people lost and confused brought together because of Maggie.
You hated me before her.
I still don't know what changed your mind.
Analyze everything please.
And tell me,
Is trying to pick up where we left off really worth it?
And while you're looking at what we used to be,
Think about who you have now and who you're leaving in the dust.
MeaganLayne misses you.
Fix things with her before we try to talk again.

I think I feel better now.
Only a little though.
I keep thinking and thinking about it.
Every time I see you I think of what Connor said to me.
What he whispered that day in health when I told him you missed me
"You were the perfect best friends," he said.
I wanted to kill him then.
I didn't want to hear him say what I knew used to be true.
We really were close.
We did everything together.
We shared everything.
There were no secrets, at least not on my part.
Dammit.
I'm going to cry.
I hate this.

If you didn't use me, then why did people tell me you did?
Why did people say you were only my friend because my family ate out on Friday?
And that you came over just to see Brandon?
That you only wanted to be here because of who and what I was near?
What I had?
My parents loved you.
You're still their favourite.
They miss you.
I'm not sure if I do yet...
I'm not sure if I'm ready to second guess myself about everything you do.

Enough.
I'm going to cry.
Let's go to something I can handle.
I dreamt last night.
It was a terrible dream.
I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe.
And he didn't care.
He didn't care that I was pouring my heart out.
Or that it was all his fault.
He just walked right on to the one he wanted.
The one he obviously needs.
I wrote it down.
I've been copying it all day.
It's almost ready to type.
To publish and hope you read.
So you know how it is in my mind.
You'll never read it.

I adore the rain.
I love the way it sounds pounding against the asphalt.
The way it drenches my skin and hides my tears.
I relish in the way it touches my face with its gentle caress.
I wish I could make it rain whenever I wanted.
So I could always breathe in the clean scent it leaves in the air.
I love the way it distracts me.

I don't know what else I'm thinking...
I'll be gone for now.